I remember it like it was yesterday. I missed him so much while he was away, and one night while he was in Japan the girls on floor watched PS I Love You. I cried my eyes out and I couldn’t stop because all I could think about was him. He was the only thing on my mind, he was my everything…now looking back I see that I was only going off of what little romantic feeling I had attached to him, the rest was desperation and confusion that I attributed to him, whether he deserved it or not. Looking back, I see he didn’t deserve my love. He was nothing I thought he was, but I still look back and feel a little pull on my heart.  I remember the night he came back, it was midnight and I was in my ugliest clothes getting ready to go to bed, feeling quite restless,. I get a phone call from him telling me to step out into the hall. I was wondering what was going on, because boys weren’t allowed on floor after hours—we were minors in a boarding school, there were strict rules.

He was coming down the hall with his RA. The first thing he thought of when he came back from an international study abroad trip was not, a shower, or food, it was me. At that moment I felt so loved and wanted that everything else flew out the window and I wrapped myself around him like there was no tomorrow. I didn’t care who saw, what they thought, didn’t care about the fact that we had never kissed, never would, never could…all I felt was love.  He smelled like a long plane ride, but his hair still smelled like him, and his skin was soft and cold and warm and rough all at the same time, and I could feel his scratchy no-time-to-shave face against my cheek and for a minute I felt like I was floating.

They say hindsight is twenty-twenty. It was only three months after that that it all fell apart, after graduation, after separation. It wasn’t love, I don’t know what love is and neither does he. He was just a loner, an outsider, wanting to be loved, and I was that desperate girl looking for validation in a man’s arms. He wasn’t my type—I don’t go for no-confidence any more. I feel more self worth than that. He understood only parts of me, but the parts of me he did understand were so important that I thought he got it. He couldn’t socialize, didn’t know how to act around my family, was the most awkward boy I ever met…and yet he was my prom date two years in a row and I know I shared most of my defining moments with or around him.

We were never official. The closest we got was an “it’s complicated” on Facebook. They say it’s just high school, real feelings never come out, but in our high school, it couldn’t be faked. When you go to a boarding school, you can’t hide anything. The truth will out.

I didn’t mean to lead him on. In the end, that was what he blamed me for. I think at some point I realized he didn’t mean nearly as much to me as I did to him; but it was never a conscious decision. It was more of me trying to feel attractive and him falling for me—then I didn’t stop him. He caught me at the most vulnerable part of my life, and for that I am sorry. Maybe I finally realized some key things the day of graduation, when he gave me the ridiculously expensive locket and necklace from Tokyo that he spent quite a bit of money on. Maybe I should have realized it earlier, when he found me the perfect birthday present: a pink unicorn in exactly the right colors I specified (he had listened to me, and remembered…) and The Notebook on DVD. Maybe I should have stopped it sooner, but it was all so sudden and he really was my best friend at the time…I didn’t want to mess anything up. I never mean to lead guys on, but it happens all the time. I’m sorry for the mixed signals and I’m sorry we could never get past it.

I remembered this last night when I was talking to an old friend who still talks to him, and she said that he cut off all communication with me because he couldn’t handle it anymore. She said it’s a coping mechanism to get over me, and I felt bad for thinking it pathetic that he should need to go to those extremes to get over me. I’ve always wanted a guy to feel like that for me, but why did it have to be this guy? I’m just going to say it now and put it out there: he is not cute, or hot, by any reasonable standard. I was attracted somewhat to his personality, and he was so much more of a friend to me than anything else. I honestly cannot see now what I could have ever seen in him before, which makes me think I was fooling myself.

This is an outright apology, if you’re listening. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the girl that you wanted, but you weren’t the guy that I wanted either. You know we weren’t right for each other, and it was partially your fault too. Don’t put the blame all on me, you were the one who let yourself be led on. Your self consciousness causes many problems in your life, and your attitude ruins relationships before they even start. I hope you don’t screw up good things in your life, but I don’t think I was one of those good things. I don’t think there was any potential for there to be, and I wish I could take it all back. It was such a long time ago but I still think about you and hope you’re doing well. I’m sorry I hurt you and I wish we could be friends but I know that’s BS. You were the one who unfriended me on Facebook, blocked me on messenger, and stopped talking to me completely. You’re the one who moved across the country. It’s not up to me anymore to reinstate our relationship (the FRIENDSHIP one). If you want to, I’m open for recommunication. Don’t expect anything more, though. I wish you the best in life and I’m sorry it had to be like this.

In my life, I have met probably one nice guy.

Why is this?

Maybe it’s because I try too hard to fit in. Maybe it’s because I hang out at clubs and frat parties. Maybe I discount my real friends who don’t seem to have as much “spontaneous” fun in favor of my fake friends who don’t really know the meaning of living as much as they do the meaning of drinking. Maybe I should stop grinding on random guys when we’re out on weekends and realize the kind of impression other people get of me when I do these things. Maybe I should listen to the one nice guy in my life who actually cares what I do and who I do it with because he’s my best friend. Maybe…I need to figure out why I attract the wrong type of guy, if I even attract any guys at all any more.

This is an Ode to the Bad Boys. To all those men who make you doubt yourself, reduce your self esteem to nothing, are incredible in bed and leave you wanting more but wanting them to leave you alone at the same time, I have something to say to you.

LEAVE US ALONE.

You confuse me. I don’t understand you. Why do you like playing the field so much? How are you going to be able to look back on your college years and not cringe at the way you were living your life? Sure, maybe it’s our fault for falling for you in the first place [in fact it is] but that doesn’t mean you get a free pass at all. When you act the way you do and expect to get off scot-free and with some miserable subservient bitch trailing along behind you, you deserve a lecture.

We are not what you have made us into, we are strong, independent, powerful women—but when you get thrown into the picture, suddenly we’re groveling, girlfriends-ditching, excuse-making losers who try our best to regain our dignity at the pathetic end of our quasi-relationship. 

You, with your perfectly-messed-up-with-gel hair and your Converse, slouchy jeans and perfectly apathetic-looking polo—what is it about your bad attitude that makes us want you in our pants? Why are you so attractive? You barely have to turn on the charm and we’re all over you like flies on honey, only then we get stuck and when we try to leave our little legs get pulled off. Morbid, isn’t it.

I really do think it’s all about the charm. Suave, cool, and sophisticated, you’ve learned from the best. Maybe your older brother was a player and you learned it from him, or maybe you were born with some natural instinct on girl attraction. WE WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS AND HOW WE CAN IGNORE IT! Is there a nasal-passage blocker to stifle your sexy sexy scent? Is there some sort of bad-boy-earmuffs to keep your sweet meaningless words out of our heads? We are so attracted to it. Seriously. You don’t even have to try, but you walk by with your I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude, white-toothed mischievous grin and expensive cologne smell and we do the double take, then the triple take, then the raised eyebrows and quick nonverbal communication with whoever else we’re with at the time.

And of course, you notice that you have our attention, and you revel in it.

Then, either we go up to you if we’re feeling brave, or you come up to us. If it’s a party, you start off with a grin. If it’s a formal occasion, we get the confident pouty-sexy smile. Either way, at the end of the night we’re tripping on cloud nine and you’re notching another hole in your belt.

Why do we let ourselves be your conquests? Because then we’re filled with remorse for the next few days, and maybe you call us, maybe you don’t. Maybe you don’t even know our name, maybe we’ve known each other for years and maybe we’ll see each other in class the next day—but either way, we still don’t know what to think.

Sometimes we feel awesome because you finally noticed us after days/months/years of complete ignorance at our existence. Other times, we feel downright puzzled at why you picked us instead of that other girl that you could have targeted.  Then you have to make us all confused with your up-and-down bipolar personality, because maybe you’ll act like we’re dating, and the next day you’ll be cold towards us.

It’s completely situational, because bad boys take all shapes and forms. He could be in the apartment above you, or he’s the guy sitting next to you in calc. In some cases, he can’t avoid seeing you, so you become that booty call or the semi-what-the-hell-are-we-doing relationship. In other cases, you were a one night stand.

I blame it on you that we generalize hatred towards the entire male gender, because honestly, guys are not that bad.  When we say “guys are all assholes”, the rest of you, don’t take offense. It is meant to be aimed at those select few that enjoy being heartbreakers and know what they’re doing to girls who in most cases also know what’s being done to them (and totally let it happen). It’s those one or two bad apples that ruin the entire batch, and we really shouldn’t let it, but we’re jaded and bitter now. We feel like we gave you, the male species, your chance, and we can’t figure out what we’re doing wrong…or maybe we’re just starting to understand what we need to start doing right.

When you attempt to come behind us and grind with us at the club, are we supposed to rebuff you? When you help us pick up our dropped books in the quad when we’re late for class, are we not supposed to feel that odd attraction when you don’t appear to care who we are, but still check us out? You drive a hot car and rev your engine every time you drive past us on our way to the coffee shop across the street. Is it really all that simple on how to keep the bad guys at bay?

Every girl has had, will have, or is currently having a bad boy break her heart. Maybe we didn’t know he was a bad boy—some of them are so far undercover that you won’t be able to tell until they peace out. But, there is also such a thing as a reformed bad boy. Many times, these are even better than the nice guy. Because these guys, they still have that charm, they just utilize it differently because some experience in their life (or some girl that they actually fell for) changed them.

So what am I supposed to do about this bad boy situation? Well, I think for now, I will continue to be attracted to them from a distance. When I meet that Nice Guy or Reformed Bad Boy or Man, or Dude, or Whatever, I’ll know he’s the right one. Bad boys, beware, the girls are marking you.

I like parties and clubs. I like feeling attractive, even though that feeling has been fleeting lately. I appreciate the attention of bad boys, I just don’t want the drama that comes with being involved with one. I recognize them for who they are, and I know that some day they’ll find that girl that will make them see how a woman can actually be appreciated. One day, I will also meet that guy, whatever his “label”, and I will realize what I have been missing out on. Then maybe I won’t need to "feel" attractive because I’ll know I’m attractive to someone.

When you’re vying for a bad boy’s attention, it just makes you doubt yourself more; it feels like a contest between you and the other girls, but in reality no one wins. Except him. And that’s his game. So should we blame you for being a prick, or us for being stupid and falling for it in the first place? What's your story, huh? Why must you do this?

In closing…

Bad boys, you know who you are. Please chill out. Sincerely, seventeenisntforever.